Daddy Issues

It’s my Dad’s birthday today. He would have been 68, I think. The older I get the more I wonder how life would have turned out had he (and my mom) been around. Would it be different? Or would it play exactly the way it did? Except ya know, I’ll have parents.

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What’s Cooking?

Fundamentals in Culinary Arts Session 5

Cooking is good. Cooking is fun. But cooking is not easy. Today, I was standing up for six hours—inhaling fumes in front of a hot stove, prepping ingredients, cooking dishes, washing pans and utensils. Six friggin’ hours non-stop. No sitting down or resting, no bathroom breaks either because none of us are hydrating anyway. It was already past 3pm when I sat down on a stool and only because the teacher was doing a demo of bibingka soufflé (which was sooo yummy, omg!)

But I am not complaining; because cooking is good and cooking fills my heart. I am alive in that kitchen and I can’t wait to be back.

Forget

I want to tear the pages of you away from my life. I want to rip them to shreds, throw them over the fire, and watch the fragments blacken and curl.

I want to tear away all pages you’ve touched as though that would rid me of you.

Inflection Point

inflection
Gee, thanks Google.

I had a breakdown exactly a year ago today. I remember it was a Monday; I was driving myself back to Batangas at four in the morning, the day has barely started but I already felt drained and exhausted. By 7AM, I was dressed for work but I just couldn’t go.

My first instinct was to hide, I had two other engineers staying with me in the room and I needed them to think I went to work like normal. I hid in the second floor office and called Tinay who was living in New Zealand then and just cried. I was helpless, drained, and emotionally exhausted from the events of the weekend before. I moved back to our room when it was almost 8 AM, I couldn’t risk being seen by other officemates.

Tinay had to go to class but Des called and took over, and then Leo called when Des had to attend a meeting. Tin calmed me down, Des offered to put me on the 3PM flight to Davao that day and the only thing that stopped her was the fact that Leo was on-duty at Asian Hospital, which meant that he could take care of me instead. I drove to Alabang and spent the rest of the day in a coffee shop across the hospital. Leo had patients but he sneaked away several times and hung-out with me for hours at a time until late night.

To this day I don’t know if Tinay tipped them off. And I only remember how I felt, not how I sounded to them, but if my friends’ alarmed reactions are any indication, I was in a bad state that day.

When I look back, May 22, 2017 was the day it started to change for me. I’ll leave it at that for now (against my creative writing teacher’s advice to “show, not tell”) because today is a celebration of survival and life-long friendships, not of defeat and implications.

It takes a village to keep me emotionally afloat and I constantly thank God for friends who took the time to be with me the best way they can that day. I was drowning and you were my buoys and my lifesavers.

There has been and there will be other episodes for I am a constant work in progress.

So to my friends, I say, I’m sorry, thank you in advance, and love you always.

Going the Extra 13.1 Miles

I get extremely kilig when I look at my running stats. I lived in UP for 11 years and to be honest I’ve only ran in the Acad Oval maybe twice or thrice. Never I did think that I am capable of running this far and this much!

I’m posting this now while I haven’t completed the challenge to drive the point that the end game is not the only thing that matters. It’s the journey that changes you, not the destination itself.

This training season reinforced that there is always a choice in any given situation. At this point, I can stop and I still would have set my highest mileage in any given month. I can prolong, spread the last remaining kilometers throughout the week, and I can also sprint, finish the whole 7 kilometers in one sweeping run.

I’m flying to Davao tomorrow for the Ironman 70.3 Relay where I’m doing the 13.1 mile (21 km) run leg. I’m having major pre-race jitters right now but I take comfort in knowing that I prepared for this. That no matter how the race turns out, I chose the path that pushes me to expand my capabilities and out of my comfort zone. There is no finish line in real life, but I win.

Aflutter

Adj. Excited in anticipation.

A few weeks ago, I met someone. And for the first time in a long while, I wanted that new person to become part of my life.